Friday, July 27, 2007

An Emotional Absurdity

I am just a shambles, filled with illogicalities - not explained by the way my brain works, driven totally by strange sentiments, provoked by vibrant wickedness and yet so stung by damn consciousness. Well, guess I am just human.

You know when sometimes you got to do the right things, but you wish it din't have to be that way. Its that time in my life now!! I always knew that when you love someone too much, it hurts. What I am begining to realise is, if you love someone as much as you could, you are soo tempted to hurt them!! You become a liability even before you know it and I am worried that I might be one soon.

Let me be more candid. When you love someone and you are not sure if they truely love you, you try your best to seek the truth. I did. Being quiet aware that the road has a dead end, I am not sure why I did fall in love in the first place. I gave the benefit of doubt to the nature of love itself and was willing to embrace the illusion that love has no expectations or conditions.

When the love was reciprocated, though not in the way I wanted, I was truely sweeped off my feet. So much so that I forgot that there was no future to it. It wasn't too late before I came back to my senses and realised that I am living a fantascy. Felt humiliated for acting like a teenager.

Then it came upon me. The conflict between what I want and what I can have!! All these conflicts are basically provoking the evil in me. I secretly wish I could make the road straight, break the wall that ends it. Where there is a devil there is also the cursed consciousness.

What I am truely worried is, what if this evil in me pops out in the most inappropriate time? Or what if the one who claims to love me today ends-up hating me tomorrow? What if I did become a liability on his life?

The answer is easy said - STAY AWAY FROM HIM. But how can you let go of someone you have such strong feelings for? Its hard to find someone so perfect for you and you never feel too good for them and now when you do, anyone else with him feels soo wrong!! How do you feel happy for him when you don't believe he is doing the right thing and you have no say in it?

I would never want to hurt him.... but what if I did!!!!???