Friday, January 15, 2010

Tonight I ask!!

Is it true that everyone deserves to be loved? Then how come some people are luckier than some of us? There are some of us who indeed find love.. some of us who found it and lost it.. but there are many of us who never got to know what it is.. isn't it!!

There are so many people who come and go in our lifes. Some leave us with a plesant memory to take to our graves and some not so plesant. what matters is at the end are you feeling really lucky? Are you??

so what is love?? and why is it not for everyone? what qualifies you for love??

well before you all give me a shout and say "LOVE IS FOR EVERYONE" think about what you have and what you don't have. I am not talking about love that is just finding your mate, but the love that you grow-up with and learn to grow into.

I grew-up thinking I was loved. Infact, I was loved, when I was a kid. But that love never grew with me. It was lost amongst ego and pride. I still believed that I was loved but then I realized I would be loved only as long as I do not have opinions or if I had one I kept it to myself.

It was not just me being loved, but for me to love too.. I was allowed to feel love in my heart, but I was allowed to express it only when it was needed.

There was not a single night I did not go over every insignificant details and wonder what I had done wrong or what I could have done better. But can I be a better daughter than I was? or a better sister, better friend??

Everytime this happens, I tried to start over, have a clean slate and hoped that I would end up in a place where I would meet different people and may be just may be they would indeed be different. How many more places I can be?, how many new beginings could I possibly have for myself? and how long can I hold on to hope and not question the sanity in it?

The longer you wait hoping to cross paths with someone who would love you and let you love them, the more you start questioning if it is really worth the wait.

With all the love one feels in one's heart and no where to express one tends to consume all that love oneself. Else your heart thickens with all the emotions that it become more sour and painful. And so I did, until I realized I was completely drained of it.

Today, I sit in my dark rooms wondering how my grey days would be. But for now I am more confused as to if I am incapable of loving anymore or is it just a temporary insanity. Guess I would never know because, I am not so lucky after all.

For all the lucky ones out there, if you think what you have is what you wanted, then hold on tight. And for those sailing in my boat, don't let it consume you. Trust me, its more painful to lose hope than have a meaningless one.