Friday, June 30, 2006

The untold fear

I always believed that, when your heart is hurt, nothing can heel it: Time just gives you bigger wounds to be dressed!!!

You know how sometimes you feel like you are jammed in your throat or you just forgot every word in every language you ever knew? The world just darkens right in front of your eyes and you can do nothing about it!! To me, this happens when I start fighting with myself.

Human emotions can be highly complicated and mine.... gosh... the almighty had made a mistake!!! How is it possible to hold a burning fireball under the waters?? I never felt soo much of hatred in me for someone I love more than I can ever love myself. Thatz exactly the problem. If I cared to love myself more, then may be I wouldn't be contemplating such emotions and I would have moved on. But for now thats just another "what could have been"!!!

The more my mind tries to rationalize my present, my heart keeps fighting between the love and hatred. But some how, life just plays its dirty trick on me again and again. I know the man I love the most, is now a couple of hours drive away from me and yet, I am as helpless as a kid watching her favorite doll drown!!

Well the question still remains... I can always talk to him if I wanted to. But is that true. For anyone to talk, there should be a willing listener!!!

To all the men out there, how many of you truely listen? One's capability to listen is exhibited in the reaction that follows. In a relationship, be it love or friendship, a reaction need not neccessarily be a reciprocation, you could just be responding. But most of us choose to listen to only those things that we want to hear, or choose not to listen at all and thatz exactly what he did!!

The fear of rejection is still understandable. But the fear of being deprived and for reasons I never got to know will always remain as the untold fear in me!!

PS: This post was not intended to regret my past... b'coz I don't. I just wish my time had frozen then!!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

A thought on Sex Change!!!

Hello folks...

I know I did not visit this page for quite a loooong time!!! I am currently in the US ... its kind of late.. 1.25 am!! just couldn't sleep, so i was browsing through my cable... and now I am watching the Oprah show on ABC7.

The show was about one of the twins wanting to have a sex change and still caught up in a dilemma about their sexual preferences!!!

Two gals, one of them realised she has feelings for other women.. accepts it and when she was in her early thirties, develops an urge to become a man!!! so she goes through a painful phase of surgery and more surgery and finally she is a he now... but now.. the new he seems to attract attention from gay men and is also quite responding himself!!!

hmm... interesting?? Oprah did talk about scientific reasons for such urge and identical disorders in the twins.. but it sounded more and more complicated as it went. Research is still trying to logically and scientifically explain such complications, but the maybe's and probabilities still exists.

My thought on this is... can we say that may be this could be a key to understand something that we never expect to understand in ourself!!! Has there been a time when you found a perfect match for yourself and felt like... "gosh... only if i was the opposite gender".

There are studies that have proved that there is a feminine part in a man.. and a masculine aspect in a woman. It is also true that when each of our other aspect starts to operate activitely than it should then our sexual orientation changes.

But, can it be possible that all of us are bisexual in some sense!! Can we find both Mr. Perfect and Ms. Enchanting in our lives?? (well i know its kind of hard to find even one of them!! but u know what i mean!!! ;))

I guess I just cracked on what I can do in my free time!!! ooh please... I meant do some reading and research on this thought!!!

yeah you can dream about it.. :P

and yeah if you any thoughts you know where to find me..