Thursday, October 09, 2014


I stand on the top of the hill, letting the morning sun bath me in his warmth.. The sweetness of the breeze caresses my naked soul.. as the grass beneath, plants a wet kiss on my bare feet. I hear the birds singing their love and nature living it's peace.

I should have felt it all.. I should have cherished it all.. I should have wanted to be right where I was.. but no.. I just felt pain.. an anguish, I cannot explain in words or tears.

I seek something. No, I crave it.. I only have a dying memory of how it once felt.. and I wish I could feel it again. Honestly.. I wish I could feel anything remotely close to it.

My mind ran through the hills.. looking for what it was that was once me. Even before I knew it.. I started strolling away from the breeze, the grass and the world become mute in my ears.

I hadn't known how long or how far I had walked, when I stopped. I saw the sun, was now on the west.. The sky was no longer blue.. He had painted it in red, yellow and orange. He smiled at me and was desperate for my attention.

All I saw was that tree at the edge of the hill and the shadow cast of the one leaning against it. He had is back towards me and I couldn't see who it was.. I only saw what the sun chose to show me. I glided closer to get a peek at the one that made me hear my own heart beat.

I froze a few steps away from this stranger. Not because I did not like what I saw, but because I wasn't ready  to see who it was. 

I felt a strong pulse and my pain grew folds. I have been here before.. I have seen what I am seeing now, many times before.. i had frozen then too.. call it a dejavu moment or was I living the same day over and over again...

I remember.. I remember, how it felt to love someone so much, that the walls of my heart bled every moment I spent not telling him how much I loved him or how "I love you" was the only words I wanted to spell in his presence.  I remember how everything hurt me, when he was away and how i thought, nothing could possibly scratch my skin, when he was  with me. I  remember the day I gave up.. or I let go. The day, I let my love for him explode and shatter my heart into a million pieces.

Now, the shadow was no longer a shadow. As if to tease me, the stranger turned around calling my name. My breath, stuck in my throat.. and I started to sweat. My legs, weren't as strong as I hoped they would be. My heart, even weaker.

And... I jolted up from my sleep.

Living this dream over and over again, is more painful than a million deaths I probably could smile through.

I wish this would stop, even if it meant, I never felt anything anymore. I wish this would just stop.

Monday, March 31, 2014

34 Years of my life!!!

Growing old, i am sure, has never been easy for anyone. Today is the last day of me being 34 and I realized I havent done half the crazy stuff i wanted to do. I have never spent a night alone at a cementary, haven't climbed the highest mountain or ever jumped of a plane screaming "I QUIT". 

What I have done may not be as flamboyant as what Jan Kahm or Jimmy Wales did.. but I hope I can proudly say, I have lived through it & managed to inspire a few on the way. I have made a handful of true friends, fallen in love, made some bad choices, regretted a few of them but gotten over it none the less. I can honestly say that I have asked for help when I needed one & reached out to help a few when I could. I have learnt to accept love, to forgive, to smile, to laugh out loud (not just lol on chats) & to accept pain. I have not just grown old, but I have grown as a human being & I have grown wise. 

None of us could pick the family we are born into, but we learn to love each other. We do have a choice at picking our friends and we learn to love them the same - even the nutty ones.... I have never been the easy one to understand, not because I am complicated, but simply because I never understood myself. I have had my phase of insanity, days of nightmares, weeks of heart breaks, months of narcissitic complex and then a deep slump into depression. 

For those who stuck by me through all that drama, Thank you. Thank you for not feeling sorry for me, thank you for not telling me things would be alright or asking me to think all that was just a bad dream. Thank you for keeping me grounded and thank you for snapping me out to my sanity. Without you, I would probably be still in my teens.

For those who chose to leave, Thank you. Without you, I would still have grown but may be a little slower. I have seen the different faces of judgements, the shades of fear or jealousy in all of you. Most of all, I learned the power of giving up from the ones that gave up on me. I learned to let go!!!

So... Today, I stand before all of you and take pride in saying that I am a 34 year old woman who is strong, independent & wise yet capable of loving, caring & forgiving. 

And oh... sexy as hell too.. :D