Broken

I stand on the top of the hill, letting the morning sun bath me in his warmth.. The sweetness of the breeze caresses my naked soul.. as the grass beneath, plants a wet kiss on my bare feet. I hear the birds singing their love and nature living it's peace.

I should have felt it all.. I should have cherished it all.. I should have wanted to be right where I was.. but no.. I just felt pain.. an anguish, I cannot explain in words or tears.

I seek something. No, I crave it.. I only have a dying memory of how it once felt.. and I wish I could feel it again. Honestly.. I wish I could feel anything remotely close to it.

My mind ran through the hills.. looking for what it was that was once me. Even before I knew it.. I started strolling away from the breeze, the grass and the world become mute in my ears.

I hadn't known how long or how far I had walked, when I stopped. I saw the sun, was now on the west.. The sky was no longer blue.. He had painted it in red, yellow and orange. He smiled at me and was desperate for my attention.

All I saw was that tree at the edge of the hill and the shadow cast of the one leaning against it. He had is back towards me and I couldn't see who it was.. I only saw what the sun chose to show me. I glided closer to get a peek at the one that made me hear my own heart beat.

I froze a few steps away from this stranger. Not because I did not like what I saw, but because I wasn't ready  to see who it was. 

I felt a strong pulse and my pain grew folds. I have been here before.. I have seen what I am seeing now, many times before.. i had frozen then too.. call it a dejavu moment or was I living the same day over and over again...

I remember.. I remember, how it felt to love someone so much, that the walls of my heart bled every moment I spent not telling him how much I loved him or how "I love you" was the only words I wanted to spell in his presence.  I remember how everything hurt me, when he was away and how i thought, nothing could possibly scratch my skin, when he was  with me. I  remember the day I gave up.. or I let go. The day, I let my love for him explode and shatter my heart into a million pieces.

Now, the shadow was no longer a shadow. As if to tease me, the stranger turned around calling my name. My breath, stuck in my throat.. and I started to sweat. My legs, weren't as strong as I hoped they would be. My heart, even weaker.

And... I jolted up from my sleep.

Living this dream over and over again, is more painful than a million deaths I probably could smile through.

I wish this would stop, even if it meant, I never felt anything anymore. I wish this would just stop.